Inner Fortune

2: Control by Lacking.

As another week draws to an end, i find myself thinking what it is i should be putting my mind towards. Should i be concentrating on my petty emotions, such as Lust and Contempt. Or should i be looking to only seek joy and futile feelings of acceptance? Lets count the ways that i feel each thing shall we?

Lust - I am lusting for 2 members of the opposite sex, neither of which am i going to mention due to their ability to gain access to this blog if they want to. I'll admit now that yes, i would like to convey my lustrous feelings for them but i want more to keep them as my close friends, so i refuse to even try and get them to do anything with me. Some will call this me being square, others will see this as heroic. I care not for either kinds of people. I do not do this for your acceptance, i do this because i simply love my friends more than any reputation i may or may not gain otherwise.

Contempt - Many of you may know that my contempt is not towards myself, my contempt is towards others. I become contempt when i see my friends happy, I get contempt even if I am not.

Joy - This is almost a foreign idea for me, I never experience much joy and the reason for that is to protect myself from being hurt by people when they can't accept me for who i am. My joy comes when i am complimented or if i am given the greatest gift i have ever been given, friendship.

Finally, comes acceptance. This pushes joy, it leads lust and creates contempt. but this is one thing i see very little of. People don't accept me because i am different, they isolate me through bullying and other means and they push me and push me until I have lost all control and flip out. What i wish for is simple, but so difficult to master. You see, My Creatures of the Night, what i want is to be loved.

This Is Me.

1: My Current State.

I looked at myself in the mirror last night, i was dressed all smart in my best suit. There was no reason for this, who was I trying to impress? It hit me hours later. My Autistic mind had allowed a new emotion threw, Joy. For the past 6 months I have experienced both joy and annoyance threw the same creator. Her name I will not mention but instead a brief description shall be given. Her smile is like the first sip of water after a long journey, i could go months without happiness and she could smile once and it would all have been worth it. Hers are the only eyes i will look into, they are like blue crystals that shine brighter than any star in the sky. But the most beautiful thing about her is her body, though she would disagree, i don't care. I have fallen in love with her, though i know she would never feel the same. Why would she? We have nothing in common, and we fall out all the time. I am not the kind of guy she wants, she wants the good guy but craves the bad boy. Whereas I am neither yet both. For her i have changed my way of acting and in return she has not done anything to even show me her interest in my being there. 

Now comes what i fear is the final chapter in our friendship, for you see, I fear she has become bored with me. Is it that easy for her to just delete me from her life? I wish I could tell her how I feel. I wish I was in her league.